take the 57 south towards angels stadium to the 91 east.
take the long stretch of pavement where cars stop and go to look on at why there was traffic through green river road in orange county and into san bernardino county.
pass the mall that we visited just a week ago in rivey and continue on your way while blasting all those random songs on that mix cd you made especially for this trip while singing obnoxiously with your friends.
follow those google maps directions as it tells you to merge onto the 215 while reminds you of some important day in your life.
take that freeway exit to that destination where your destined to go to take a tour, cause you know its where your supposed to be.
take a turn and drive down that parkway until you hear that gps system say:
“you have reached your destination”
i sat there as i heard the guitar strumming in my head. strumming out a song full of highs and lows, starting off with simple cords, a hand beginning the process of gliding right over the strings of nylon and metal. strumming the new song that was to be tangled with lyrics of the heart, mind, and soul. it began rummaging through my life, finding the perfect words to create that perfect song to be. love and hate, wonder and loss, torment and safeness. it went through the chorus and the bridge with a struggle of wondering what was coming next. and when it began to slow down to end the song, that hand that was strumming, there was an sence that there was more to come.
an encore.
to somebody:
im going to write a letter.
spontaneous.
to whom you might ask.
when you read this you’ll know who you are.
just be sure to look in your mailbox in the next couple of days. if you cant im sure someone will gladly be of assistance.
sincerely me
one sip before i went to sleep turned into more. and now im awake, at the wrong time.
all because of this root beer ive had since, 10 maybe…i dont know.
but since that time ive been thinking. he never did call me back like he said he was. that i knew the moment he told me, wasnt going to happen. i hate and love the fact i know people way too well. it probally was his au promtu busyness that cause it to slip away. but i still pretend like it never happened. except here. with my root beer. here i let it be known, at almost five in the morning. and i do realize, eyes will wonder.
and another thing…i dont know yet, if your asking me, i cant answer you. if its something i knew i’d lay it out. but for right now i wont say yes and i wouldnt say no to the fact one door closes and another door opens.
what am i doing at one in the morning?
im trying to figure that out specifically as the cold starts to creep up around me.
it’s changing. all around me again. and im trying to stop it. stop the change, for time being. i hate it. cause its always changing. and im supposed to not let it happen apparently. but what if you cant. are you disappointing a friend if you let it happen? are you a bad friend for not coming through the rough patch? are you to blame for another friendship failing even though you tried to fix it before it happened. maybe you shouldnt have spoken up. shouldnt have texted, shouldnt have called like you do every time. you ruin the party, you ruin their time theyre trying to salvage.
you ruin it, and then the game changes again.
so what wouldve happened if you never asked for it back.
thats for past to know, and for me never to find out.
so what am i still doing up at one in the morning?
well as i try to escape from the chill and sort of have some sort of hope, im still trying to find that out as everything changes again.
even with these words.
i certainly dont.
why i get mad, why i fall for the wrong person, why i cry out of nowhere, why i let my thoughts go too far, why i think about the end, the beginning. why i let myself believe or why i try to let myself trust. why i wake up in the morning regreting what i did the night before even if its human nature. why i say im going to do something when really i never do it. why my thoughts can formulate in my head but my hands can’t create. why i sleep everyday when i could be doing something more. why i say im nothing more than the next person, the next girl. why i look the way i do, why i say the things i say. why i dream and why i know. why i look at those pictures constantly thinking theyre going to change. why i think ive been replaced or let go. why i think i only have so much time. why i flirt knowing i dont like that guy. why i even flirt in the first place. why ive been called a tease when really im not. why when i do like someone its too late. why i jump off the train in the middle of nowhere thinking i know where im going when i dont. why i say i dont need help. why i cant talk. why i see all the bad, the glass half empty. why i cant find the words. why i keep saying why. why.
i might have the answer to some of those, but most of those i don’t. and the list is always growing. when something changes, something small. may it be the way something is placed down or even a few words typed up in a text message. or something big, may it be the way ive grown up or even death. we all can stand here, sit there, runaway, walk away wondering, cursing, forgetting things. but really were still left there thinking. thinking why.
and then the list starts all over. cant run, cant walk, cant fly or ride away from it. cause if we do, it only means…well a lot of things. why?
who knows.
only you do.
what do you say when you turn around to explain yourself but you can see the outcome already.
assuming. you see i learned that was bad. and sometimes when i assume. well it goes both ways. double edged sword. because if your right your right, if your wrong…well your wrong.
i have some explaining to do. just like lucy did to ricardo. but im stuck. if i explain myself it will lead to different roads not suitable for both parties. if i explain myself, it could also take another path of something new, but old. maybe since it was supposed to happen a while ago.
but if i dont explain myself, it has its flaws where self-loathing and others left wondering comes into the picture.
the chances are less than 50/50. i give myself 25…but its hard to explain when i know i’ll turn around, look up and all the words escape my mouth and im left there staring at the figure i know im about to purposly chop out of my life with an axe if i do or dont learn how to speak.
music.
have i ever expressed how much i love this simple but complex form of entertainment?
i dont know.
but i’ll do it again. if i already did.
i love it, absolutly love every bit of it. well there some genres that arent my cup of tea, but other than that its beautiful.
i can sit there and follow the different beats and instruments. its soothing and yet so expressful. they each have a story behind it, those songs we listen to. even if its not the story of the artist themself.
we create our own stories that we attach to those lyrics. they remind us of moments of joy and sadness. people and yourself.
its something so simple sometimes, to something so beautiful and complex. the combination of the melodies, brings me up to another place where i can escape it all.
of course with every love there is a downfall. the reminders it leaves behind. the memories that have stuck themselves to the words, the words that have turned into poision everytime you hear it.
the way it brings you down so far.
the way it cross references so much you get lost and find out it was all just a dream.
music. i’ll never live without it. i will always love it, no matter what it does to me.
…how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again.
— campus – vampire weekend
